[Please note that English is Fox's 2nd language, so there may be errors in grammar and other technical aspects. I've left small notes for the purpose of clarity, but I want to leave his words unedited.]
Hey, Fox here.
So I'm sure you've seen the post Castiel made called "The Jello Crisis." I figured because it was my crisis, I should explain. I'm still not gonna get into the details of my flashback, because it's personal, and I doubt you'd like to hear about it. But basically, I had a horrible nightmare about something that happened in the past. And I mean, horrible. I'd had therapy that day which can turn up some bad memories, and I don't blame Jayr for it. It's just how therapy works. This memory I'd shoved so far back that when I remembered it, I was horrified. I couldn't sleep after I woke up, and it was one... I didn't want to bother Castiel with it. I talk so much about all the abusers I had and about James too much, I don't want to make him deal with it more. He has enough pain with his recovery, and learning to drive, and singing. We still gotta make money.
So I went for a drive, cuz normally I get in my Dawn [Camaro] and it works really well. Been through a lot with my Dawn, reminds me of my mom too, cuz she drives one too. With the top down at 1AM, it's just you and your car. Your lights illuminate the road and you can just be calm. No cops are gonna come, no one in the passenger seat to judge you, just you and your car. But I just couldn't this time, I couldn't calm down. I'd gone through my entire Weeknd playlist and sped 120mph on an empty highway for 2 hours and it just wasn't doing a thing. And trust me, Dawn FM is my comfort album, and After Hours is my second favorite album. Something was wrong if I couldn't even feel better after hearing those, in English mind you. Normally I'll just keep trying to understand the harder words and the slang, since English is a second language for me. But I couldn't shake the feeling that James was breathing down my neck, that he was in my head again. And for context, Green Gems like James sometimes use their mind abilities to literally get into people's heads. James was in my head for 10 years. I just thought if it was that bad, that the Dawn couldn't help me, maybe I should get something else comforting. Jello. We didn't have my favorite flavor at home, black cherry. But somewhere on the drive to the store to get black cherry, I don't know. I just lost it. Something snapped, I was so hurt by my memories. I just heard James whisper something, it was so painful to hear again...
"You are nothing without me."
I just started crying...
I was just sobbing, and crying. I couldn't control how much emotional pain I was in, and I was so worried I was gonna get hurt again, even though it's long gone. I don't know how, or why, but my mind just couldn't let me be free of it. Like, I know that's such a stock standard phrase to be hurt by in toxic relationships, but I think the simplicity of it just hit really hard. I went into a haze, like back then, and I just blacked out the rest of the drive. Don't they call that micro-sleep? I was at the store when I last remember, at the counter with tear streaked cheeks. I would've really gone back to the time of my life that triggered me so badly if I still wore cheap mascara that ran. I hear that's a problem humans deal with a lot. Most people here can afford tear proof mascara. I had it on that night, because I'm not poor anymore.
The cashier looked at me so confused because I must've had so much jello on their counter. They just stared at me, in shock. I mean, how could anyone need or want this much jello? Well, they probably didn't grow up in Shards. That's the city I was born in, and cuz it was a prison city, we only got rations. Jello was the only dessert we ever got, so it was super comforting to have it here, in Emerald City I mean. But I had 20 or so boxes on the counter and that was a lot. But I paid anyways, and got my bag, put the jello in it, and drove home. I just became a robot, on autopilot, desperate for that comfort. I made the jello as fast as I could, I threw ice into the mix so it would, cook(?) faster. And I just couldn't stop crying. The sobs escaped like cold from the freezer, the tears fell like the waterfalls in the city's parks. I was just so damn exhausted emotionally, and all that felt comforting was the jello.
It reminded me of Sapphire's Day celebrations with my brothers, Nat and Cole. Sapphire's Day is our New Year's celebration, where we celebrate the start of a new year and our goddess Sapphire. The Diamonds [government] would give each family a larger box of jello mix, and then one family would volunteer to combine it into a big "cake", if you will, on Sapphire's Day Eve. On our block, my family was always chosen because Cole was a good cook and I love jello. I was old enough to help that year, so Cole showed me how to do it. Luckily we only got one flavor that year. Cole will tell you it's his favorite flavor, raspberry, but I'm 99.9% sure it was black cherry. We got our mold and made the "cake" and waited. We normally put fruit or something in, because it made it feel special, but the Diamonds didn't give out extra fruit rations that year. And on Sapphire's Day the block gathered 'round and Cole and I presented our creation. I think the fact that I was 6 and Cole was 8 made it really cute. We were just kids then, really. And we shared it with everyone, and we were all laughing and sharing songs, and Cole and I said some stuff we'd learned in English and impressed everyone. My father led our prayer to Sapphire- he's very religious- and asked her for a healthy year, and for us to be released from the city soon. But I was too young to really care about that part. Nat started a game of tag with all the other kids and we climbed up on the roofs of the old Shards houses, stealing old neon lights and pretending they were swords. It was one of the only days everyone got along. We all shared. If I could be 6 again, well, I'd give anything to be in that state of mind again. Healthy and safe.
When Castiel came in, I guess I had gone into that memory and was eating the jello and crying. Honestly, I had no idea of how much of a mess I'd made. I had just gone into panic mode. I had to have the comfort. But I'm glad Castiel came, because I really needed him to ground me again. He told me he'd never seen me eat so much, and I told him that at least I'm eating, because I used to not eat when I was upset. He laughed and told me it still wasn't healthy, and I agreed. He mentioned in his post that he cleaned me up in the shower, and I wanna say how nice it was. Castiel acts all tough but he's such a softie with me, he was gentle and he gave me a sweet kiss when it was all done. Then he brought me to bed and hummed until I fell asleep in his arms.
I spoke with him the morning after to apologize and everything, and I also spoke to Jayr about it. He gave me some tips on how I can avoid something like this again. He said it was just a weird trauma response, which makes sense. I just felt so out of control, and that's how I felt during those 10 years.
All this is to say, take care of your mental health. To anyone reading who's struggling with abuse, recovering from trauma, healing from the past, fighting addiction/withdrawal, you're not alone. Seek help and don't be scared to need help. Human society puts so much pressure on people, especially men, to be strong on an independent scale, but you don't have to be. Go to therapy, ask a friend or partner, or family if you feel safe, for help. For a hug, to talk it out, to distract you. Get some rest, your mind can be a beast. Forgive yourself, it's ok to feel. Actually, feeling is positive. It means you're still alive and well, even if those feelings are painful. We'll all get through it, no matter who we are and what happens. Remember who you are and stay true to it.
Thanks for reading, and I hope this clears up any questions. Signing off,
Fox Alfred.
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